The Most Bizarre HP Pairing of All
by David305
Summary: Rising to the challenge: someone asked, What's the strangest coupling you can imagine? Okay, I can imagine some pretty strange things. New after 3 years, 11/12: Three new shorts!
1. Be True to Your Phylum

The Most Bizarre HP Pairing of All  
  


[Rising to the challenge: someone asked, "What's the strangest coupling you can imagine?" Okay, I can imagine some pretty strange things.]  
  


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  


Harry and Ron were sitting out by the lake, enjoying the warm spring sun. They talked about Quidditch, their summer plans, Quidditch, their hopes for Snape's early demise, and Quidditch.  
  


As they were getting ready to go back inside for dinner, Harry spotted Hedwig flying toward them. "Gosh, I wonder if she's got mail for me! Do you think it might be a letter from Sirius?"  
  


But Hedwig flew right over them, ignoring them completely, not stopping or even looking down. The boys could see that she wasn't carrying anything. Instead, Hedwig flew out over the lake, and started circling and hooting softly.

Just then, the giant squid surfaced, and began waving a tentacle in the air. Scared that Hedwig might get hurt, Harry picked up a stone in the grass and hurled it out at the squid, yelling, "Oi! Leave her alone, you!"  
  


But Hedwig was undeterred by the apparent danger, and the squid ignored the stone. To Harry's and Ron's amazement, the snowy owl came in for a landing, right on top of the giant squid! The squid, in turn, raised two of its long tentacles. One of them reached up and embraced the owl, stroking her gently. The other felt its way under her tail-feathers and began twisting about.  
  


"Eughhhh!" said Ron, horror-struck. Harry couldn't even say that much, he was too stunned.  
  


After a minute or two, the squid removed its tentacles, and Hedwig took off from its back, flying in a wobbly pattern back towards the owlery.  
  


"Please, Ron," gasped Harry, "don't tell Hermione what we just saw."  
  


"Tell Hermione?" said Ron. "Words fail me! I don't even want to tell you - and I know you just saw it! I wonder if Hedwig - er - comes here often?

"Just do me a favor, Harry. If you notice Hedwig gathering straw, building a nest, laying some eggs - "  
  


"Please, Ron, stop, I think I'm gonna be sick!" said Harry. Turning his head to a patch of grass, Harry had to close his eyes and clear his mind to keep from heaving.  
  


END


	2. Seeing Yourself in Another

The Most Unexpected Encounter  
  


Harry turned a corner on his way back to Gryffindor Tower from his detention. He heard a sound up ahead, and slowed; a voice whispered, "Harry! Over here!"  
  


He peeked into the empty classroom that he heard the voice coming from, and was surprised when he felt himself being pulled into the room and the door closing. Looking around, he could see no-one -- but then an invisibility cloak was being removed, to reveal -- himself! Identical to him, down to the last hair.  
  


Harry gasped, and pulled out his wand. The other Harry held up his hand and said, "Whoa, hold it! You wouldn't want to destroy your future, would you?"  
  


Harry's eyes narrowed. "What d'you mean?"  
  


The second Harry reached under his robes at the neck, and said, "Look." He pulled out a little golden time-turner on a thin gold chain. "I really am you, three hours from now; and the weird thing is, I remember hearing me tell myself all this three hours ago, and feeling just as confused and suspicious as you do now!"  
  


"Why should I believe you?" Harry said, fingering his wand nervously.  
  


"Well, look," the new Harry replied, "I'll tell you something that nobody else in the world could possibly know but you. Fair enough?"  
  


"Okay," Harry replied warily.  
  


"When you were almost eleven years old -- May 31, 1991, two months to the day before you met Hagrid -- you experienced your first actual ejaculation, in your cupboard under the stairs; it was at around 9 at night, while Dudley was watching the Great Humberto. When something came out, you were worried that maybe you'd broken something."  
  


Harry's jaw hit the floor. He couldn't say a thing; he was simply too astonished. He had never told this to anyone else -- so the whole story made total sense. Still --   
  


The second Harry interrupted his reverie. "I know, you're still not absolutely sure. You're thinking, 'What if someone took polyjuice potion to look like me, then put me under a hypnotic spell, got me to admit a completely private secret, and came back three hours as me, to confront and possibly attack me -- right?"  
  


"Y-yeah!" Harry admitted, blown away.  
  


"But the problem with that idea is, if such an attacker already had you in his power, why would he bother to come back three hours to attack you again earlier?" said the second Harry.  
  


Harry's head started to swim. "I've gotta sit down!" he said, just as the other Harry said, smiling, "I've gotta sit down!" in exactly the same tone of voice. They both burst out laughing, and both took a seat next to one of the desks, close to one another.  
  


The second Harry said, "Look, we don't have a lot of time. I've got to get this time-turner back to Hermione at midnight, before she notices it's gone. But here's why I came back. We both know that we are still a virgin, right?"  
  


Harry turned a bit red, and nodded.  
  


Second Harry continued, "So far, we've been a bit too shy -- not to mention distracted -- to seek out sex from anyone but ourself. After all, sex with yourself is safe, and normal for any growing adolescent boy. So, why wouldn't two-bodied sex between yourself and your future self be pretty much the same thing?"  
  


First Harry's eyes opened wide. Then he cracked a grin. He liked the way his future self thought! And why not? They were really the same person; only three hours separated them. He said, "Okay, I'm game if you are! After all, if anyone knows what makes me feel good - it's me!"  
  


Second Harry smiled back, rose, and took out his wand. He pointed it at the classroom door, and murmured several locking spells. Then he stepped over to his earlier self, put his arms around him, and giving him a little kiss on the lips, smiled and said, "Be patient with me if it takes me a little longer than you; after all, I've already come once tonight! Or -- maybe twice -- but I'm not telling!"  
  


First Harry smiled, shivered with excitement, rose and closed his eyes as he moved in closer for a much deeper kiss. He thought, 'Well, if it's me, at least I can count on me to be gentle with myself the first time... ."  
  


END


	3. A Surprising Connection

A Surprising Connection  
  


The doorbell rang. "Get the door, Harry," rumbled Uncle Vernon.  
  


"Yes, get the door, boy, make yourself useful!" spat Aunt Marge.  
  


Grumbling and frowning, Harry made his way down the hall to the front door. He opened it and, to his astonishment, Draco Malfoy was standing there. Malfoy was leaning on the door frame in a pose of idle glamour. Harry's eyebrows nearly disappeared under his hair. "Malfoy! What the devil are you doing here?"  
  


"Nice to see you too, Potter," Malfoy sneered. "Where's your manners? Aren't you going to invite me in?"  
  


"Now is possibly the worst time, Malfoy," said Harry. "Aunt Marge is here - and she is an even worse Muggle than the rest of the Dursleys!"  
  


"I'm only here to discuss the proposed inter-school Quidditch team, Potter. Professors Snape and McGonagall and Madam Hooch have agreed to let us start to play other schools, and they seem to think you ought to be part of it. Can't see why, myself..."  
  


"But why tonight?" fumed Harry.  
  


"Because we only have till tomorrow to tell the league if we are participating," said Draco. "The proposal has come about rather suddenly."  
  


"All right, okay," said Harry reluctantly. "But we'll have to sneak up to my room quietly. Believe me, you do not want to meet my family."  
  


"Very well, Potter, lead the way!"  
  


The two boys made their way quietly toward the staircase. Just then Uncle Vernon's bellowing voice surprised them: "Well, boy, who was it?"  
  


"Er - just a student from my school, Uncle Vernon."  
  


"What? Coming here? Haven't I told you we don't want your - sort - coming round here?" Vernon roared.  
  


Malfoy, determined to stop being referred to in the third person, glided past Harry to the kitchen door. He looked at the Dursleys, and in his best upper class manners, he said, "How do you do, Mr. and Mrs. Dursley? I am Draco Malfoy. A great pleasure to make your acquaintance, indeed." He bowed slightly; Dudley giggled slightly and Harry gasped slightly. He knew no good could come of this ploy.  
  


Just then, Draco looked to his right and gasped himself, wide-eyed, when he saw Aunt Marge. "And who is this ... ravishing creature?" he stammered, leaning towards her almost limply.  
  


"I am Marge Dursley, young man," she replied imperiously.  
  


"Forgive me, madam," Draco nearly swooned. "I have been dreaming for ages of meeting a woman of your obvious quality; I hope you will forgive me if I regard myself as your most ardent admirer."  
  


Marge's beady eyes twinkled as she half-grinned. "Oh, I say, what a gentleman!" she chirruped. She extended her hand daintily, and Draco seized it and kissed it. For a long. Time. Harry thought he might retch, so he looked away.  
  


"Please excuse me briefly, my dear," said Draco, all the confidence of a nobleman returning to him. "I merely have some business to discuss, and I shall return momentarily."  
  


"All right, Dearie, hurry back!" Marge cackled. The other Dursleys seemed too stunned to intervene.  
  


Draco turned around and grabbed Harry's shoulder, dragging him upstairs. Harry pulled his shoulder from Draco's grasp, and led the way into his tiny bedroom. Draco wasted no time sneering or criticizing. "I must have her!!" he cried.  
  


Harry thought the top of his head would blow off. "You do realize, Draco, that Miss Dursley is a Muggle, is three times your age, has a hideous temper, and is fat and ugly?"  
  


"I don't care!" Draco exclaimed, nearly raving, sounding both giddy and desperate. "Now I know about love at first sight! You've got to help me, Potter! I'll do anything you say!"  
  


Despite his better judgment, Harry smiled and nodded. He could think of no two people in the world who deserved each other more than Draco Malfoy and Marge Dursley. This could prove to be interesting... .  
  


END


	4. DreamHarry's Revenge!

For several months, Harry had been exercising his new powers in his dreams. He was still being drawn to the evil wizard's haunts or the scenes of his cruel raids. But now, after ages of having to watch Voldemort in his dreams, powerless to act, Harry discovered that he had actually gained the power to intervene -- and that power was growing. Instead of having to stand by in helpless frustration while Voldemort plotted his evil schemes and tormented innocents, he hoped to actually defend the defenseless, and have a bit of fun.

So far, Harry had been able to stay invisible, while pushing things around with his hands and feet. Thus he had been able to misdirect a wand that was firing a curse, or stick out a foot and trip a rampaging Death Eater. Eventually he had enough control to pluck Voldemort's wand out of his very hand, and toss it across the room. This newfound ability so delighted Harry that he was determined to become a real thorn in the Dark Lord's side. When he told Dumbledore about this new development in his dream life, the old mage said, "Just make sure that Voldemort still can't see, identify or harm you, and be careful." But Harry noticed a very brief, sly wink.

Last week, Harry had discovered that he was becoming adept at wandless magic; indeed, he was far more capable of it in his dreams than he'd ever been awake! He still couldn't use the wands he snatched, but this might be even better: magic coming silently and invisibly from a random spot was much more devastating to the peace of mind and ease of Voldie and the Death Eaters than the power coming from a wand. The dark minions were becoming convinced that they were being haunted by hostile demons; only the fear of defying Voldemort kept them from apparating away from his presence.

The past week had been one of experimentation; Harry tried tickling charms, freezing and itching charms, and knockout curses; so far, they'd all worked -- well, like a charm! Nothing the Death Eaters tried could protect them from his efforts; they still thought he was an invisible demon, and could have never guessed he was just a dreaming boy. Their spells just shot through him, not affecting him -- though sometimes striking each other. Even the pain in his scar was no longer very debilitating. Harry realized that the antidote to that agonizing connection was laughter and empowerment.

Now Harry was ready to try something a little more drastic. He already had the Death Eaters jumpy and demoralized. But he wanted them completely freaked out. He started by tapping them on the shoulder. They would spin around finding no one; Voldemort had to demand their attention, even threatening the next fool who spun around! Next he conjured buckets of water to suddenly appear over their heads, drenching them; and transfigured their black boots into fluffy bunny slippers and their black masks into clown hats. Voldemort's rage was nearly uncontrollable. "Show yourself!" He kept screaming.

Tonight, the Death Eaters had apparated into the home of a poor wizarding family, hoping to torture them for information. Harry's dream-self was drawn to the scene, and he saw the poor couple tied to their kitchen chairs, their faces white with fright. Voldemort was intimating that he might let his helpers rape the couple before killing them. Harry was infuriated, and determined to mete out some punishment. With a wave of his hand, he flung the masks off each of the Death Eaters in turn. Standing behind the victims were the oafish Crabbe and Goyle Sr., fathers of the equally oafish boys who were Draco Malfoy's bodyguards. 

In short order, Harry put the full body bind on all the Death Eaters, and even Voldemort himself! Harry couldn't talk to them, couldn't call anyone to arrest them or rescue the couple -- but he could do invisible wandless magic, and he was angry. He untied the hapless couple, and pushed them gently out of the room. Voldemort could only watch this furiously, but could say nothing. Then, one by one, Harry called "Desnudo!" at each of the Death Eaters, causing all their clothes to disappear. First Harry laughed himself silly; then he rubbed his hands together. Why not? he asked himself. Hoist on their own petard, as Shakespeare said, he thought.

Harry held out his hands to Crabbe and Goyle senior, and said "Priapus!" Suddenly both nude men developed strong erections! As they were standing frozen, there was nothing they could do to cover themselves; the only evidence that they knew what was happening was that their eyes were popping, and sweat was beading their brows. Next, Harry held his hands up to Lucius Malfoy and Voldemort, and magically pushed them over to the kitchen table, forcing them to bend over half-way.

Next Harry magically pushed the naked Crabbe and Goyle right behind the naked Voldemort and Malfoy. Taste of your own medicine, boys! Harry thought. Raising his hands again, Harry said, "Lubricatio! Insertio! Penetratio!" All four men's eyes were popping, and a low muffled scream rose in both Malfoy's and Voldemort's throats. Grinning evilly, Harry raised his hands again and said, "Coitus!"

Mechanically, like wind-up toys, the two hulking fools began to pump away. Harry had to look away, he was laughing too hard. He knew there were people who expressed love, passion and affection this way, but figured that nasty bullies like Voldemort and his Death Eaters would probably not take it that way. He could only imagine the loss of face this would cause his two biggest nemeses among their followers. The fear of having this or something like it repeat every time they tried an attack, could throw the Death Eaters into disarray for weeks or even months. No doubt Voldemort would try any magic he could think of to stop Harry; but Harry also knew that his dream powers were growing, and he was determined to stay a step ahead of Voldemort. 

Meanwhile, Harry noticed a Muggle boom-box and some CD's in the corner of the little kitchen. Muggleborn wizards, Harry surmised; he looked at the shelf of CD's and saw one he knew from Aunt Petunia's small collection: The Mamas and the Papas. He opened it, put it into the CD player, and clicked a few buttons. Almost in perfect time to the bizarre parody of a sex act going on across the room, a sweet voice began singing, "Dream a little dream of me." 

With that, Harry woke up in his Gryffindor dorm with a huge smile on his face, singing softly to himself --  
  


Stars shining bright above you

Night breezes seem to whisper "I love you"

Birds singin' in the sycamore tree

Dream a little dream of me  
  


Say nighty-night and kiss me

Just hold me tight and tell me you'll miss me

While I'm alone and blue as can be

Dream a little dream of me  
  


Stars fading but I linger on dear

Still craving your kiss

I'm longing to linger till dawn dear

Just saying this  
  


Sweet dreams till sunbeams find you

Sweet dreams that leave all worries behind you

But in your dreams whatever they be

Dream a little dream of me  
  


- Fin -   
  
  


* * *

  


[Disclaimer: no money is being made, no disrespect to authors or characters is intended, all rights belong to someone else; Harry Potter is the creation of J. K. Rowling; lyrics by Kahn-Schwandt-Andre]  
  


* * *

(Sorry to anyone who found this too shocking! 

You're welcome to those who asked for something even more tasteless!

My thanks to those who have reviewed, and challenged me to continue this nonsense!

Remember, the only justification for a joke like this --

Is if it's funny!)


	5. Dragon Tower: Never Mind a Tickle

Never Mind a Tickle  
  


Seventh-Year Harry Potter had become something of a legend. In addition to his great adventures, he had shown talents and abilities few before him had even dreamed of; as his friend Hermione had said at the end of their first year, "You really are a great wizard."  
  


Harry could speak to any animal; he was a multi-animagus, taking many animal forms, both magical and regular; he had mastered wandless magic, both awake and in his dreams; he had gifts of prophecy, telepathy, healing and intuition; and he could tell if it was going to rain. The latter was not due to his scar, as you might expect; rather, his big toe, (which he had broken when he was eight from kicking a door accidentally while on his way to the bathroom in the middle of the night,) tended to throb when the air pressure changed suddenly.  
  


Harry had thwarted Voldemort's plans for the last two years; but he was sure the dark wizard would be back, and he was studying and practicing his magic in preparation. He had been taking private tutoring from Dumbledore, McGonagall, and several great mages and sorcerers of Dumbledore's acquaintance over the summer holidays. It was almost comical for Harry to pretend to be a mere seventh-year, as his abilities were already greater than most of the teachers'. But it was important to appear to be just another ordinary wizarding teenager - part of his "cover," as his godfather called it.  
  


But Harry was anything but ordinary. One of his sorcerer tutors, Augustus Magius, had been teaching him power magic. Harry could now sense, communicate with, and channel the power of magical places. He not only could talk to the animals of the Forbidden Forest, but to the spirit of the whole forest itself. By making friends with the forest and its animals, he now had an early warning system that could detect and trap any Death Eater trying to approach Hogwarts. Harry also had learned to recognize and communicate with the spirit of Hogwarts. The castle was alive, in its own quiet and mysterious way; and it was so pleased to finally have someone to talk to, after a thousand years, that it began sharing all its secrets with Harry.  
  


Harry was most surprised to discover that Hogwarts castle had a sexual identity! It considered itself male; and furthermore, it told him that its sexual organ was the North Tower. Harry found this very funny, as that was where Sibyl Trelawney had her Divination classroom. The castle told him that it had a very long-standing sexual frustration, but despaired of ever finding an outlet.  
  


Harry was casting around for an appropriate prank to play for Halloween. He had been outdoing the legendary Marauders for a couple of years now, and he knew he had to make his last year's pranks so outstanding that they would be the new benchmark for magical pranks in the future. About a week before Halloween, an idea sparked in the back of his head, and as it developed, he began sporting an evil grin that would have made Fred and George look angelic. Whenever Ron or Hermione asked what he was up to, he made his expression blank or sweet, and said "Nothing," or "Never you mind."  
  


On Halloween, the Gryffindors headed down for the feast as usual. Before the food could be served, however, Sybil Trelawney came running into the Great Hall, shrieking incomprehensibly. She could only point towards her tower classroom and home. Dumbledore sent McGonagall and Snape to look after her and see what was the matter, while Harry sat quietly, showing only innocence and concern. Just then, though, Seamus Finnigan tore into the Great Hall, shouting, "Hey, everybody, wait'll you see this!"  
  


The students poured out of the doors of the castle, following Seamus out onto the grounds. As they got a few hundred yards away from the castle, they started to stare up at the North Tower. To everyone's amazement, an enormous black dragon was hovering over the North Tower! It seemed to be a female, because it had positioned its sexual organ onto the tower, and with every great flap of its colossal leathery wings, it moved its vast body up and down over the tower! The dragon was snorting jets of flame from its nostrils, while the castle seemed to be rumbling a very deep "Ohhhhhhhhh..." almost below the level of hearing.  
  


Softly and stealthily, Harry held out his hand and whispered a spell of his own invention: "INfinite Incantatem!" he whispered. It reinforced the magic binding the dragon to the tower, so that they would go on coupling forever, rejecting any attempts by other wizards to stop them - unless Harry intervened. Which, given the hysterical laughter coming from both students and teachers all around him, he was, for now, loath to do.  
  


"Blimey," laughed Ron, when he had his voice back, "this'll make Divination a damn-sight more interesting!"  
  


"No doubt," said Hermione, almost embarrassed to be laughing so hard, "but I'd be very surprised if they don't cancel or move that class for the time being!"  
  


"I think from now on, that'll be known as the Dragon Tower! Only nobody will want to explain why to the First-Years!" said Dean Thomas.  
  


"I say," said Neville, "that dragon seems completely untiring! I wonder when it'll be done?"  
  


"Christmas," murmured Harry, happily.  
  
  
  


- Fin -   
  
  
  


[One correspondent was offended by my last entry, for which I apologize.

The others were wildly enthusiastic, and urged me to top it!

I hope this was sufficient to your expectations. Cheers, David305]


	6. Passions in Potions!

Nudge Nudge, Wink Wink  
  


Harry was not looking forward to Potions today. Not only had Snape been in a horrible mood for a week, but Malfoy had been vicious and cruel to Harry and his friends for days. He was tempted to do something drastic -- but Gryffindor couldn't afford to lose any more points.

Fortunately, Harry had been practicing his wandless, wordless spell-casting, still in secret from everyone. And he'd been doing some research on hexes and jinxes, especially the X-rated kind. He wondered if this wasn't the time to put these two studies together!

Harry took a seat and table one row behind Draco Malfoy. Today Malfoy was partnered with Millicent Bulstrode, a large, unpleasant-looking, bad-tempered girl who had been repeatedly nasty to Hermione. Hermione sat down next to Harry, and immediately began copying the formula from the blackboard. Harry prodded his cauldron with his wand and started a low fire, and he and Hermione began to carefully add their ingredients. But just as Snape turned his head to the side, Malfoy whipped around, and lobbed something at Harry and Hermione's cauldron. Not waiting to let it land, Harry reached out with swift seeker's reflexes and caught it in midair. It was a little mushroom. He showed it to Hermione, who said, "Amanita! It would have turned our healing potion into poison."

//That does it,// Harry thought to himself.

While Hermione minded the simmering potion, Harry sat at his desk, with a clear view of Malfoy and Bulstrode's backs. //Umbra,// Harry thought to himself -- to put any spells he might cast into an invisible shadow. Covering his hands with the parchment Hermione had copied the ingredients on, and leaning over it as though studying it, he raised just a pinkie finger and pointed it at Malfoy's back, thinking, //Agitare!// He did the same to Bulstrode. Shortly, Malfoy began shifting about in his seat, looking a little uncomfortable. Soon he was visibly sweating, and pulling on his collar as if to let out steam. Bulstrode sat silently, apparently slower and more resistant to the spell. //Excitare!// Harry thought. Now Bulstrode was squirming too, and Malfoy looked like he was about to jump out of his seat.

Malfoy's hand shot up. "S-sir!" he gasped. "May I be excused?"

"Certainly not!" said Snape, frowning. "You know the rules of this class. You shall take care of your personal business before or after class. In the outside world, boiling potions do not wait for us to relieve ourselves, so we must learn to prepare in advance, or show self-control."

"Y-yes, sir," Malfoy groaned. Harry smirked slightly, but quickly made his face a blank. //Stimulare!// he thought, twirling his index fingers round and round in little circles. Now both Malfoy and Bulstrode were squirming, moaning and sweating profusely. They were starting to draw attention from the other students, and to their mortification, Snape.

The potions master strode over to Malfoy's table, and examined his potion. "What seems to be the trouble, Mr. Malfoy?" he hissed softly.

"It... must... be the potion, Sir!" Malfoy groaned.

"Nonsense, the potion looks just fine," Snape said with annoyance. "What are you two up to?"

Harry began twirling his middle fingers now, thinking, //Fricare!// Malfoy gasped loudly, and Millicent said "Eep!" in a surprisingly deep voice.

"Explain your behavior!" Snape said sharply. But the two Slytherins were in no condition to say anything. Harry now grasped his left thumb with his right hand, and twisted and pulled on it vigorously, silently chanting, //Excitare extremum!// Bulstrode slumped panting in her chair, eyes rolling, tongue lolling; Malfoy fell right off his chair, and, lying on the ground, started bucking spasmodically. The class finally realized what was happening, and started laughing.

"Stop it! Stop it, all of you!" Snape barked, looking around. Harry maintained a stone face, looking into his cauldron to check on his potion. Hermione had her hand over her mouth, covering a laugh. "What is the meaning of this?" Snape shouted.

While Snape was distracted, Harry clasped his hands and pulled them apart sharply, thinking, //Venire durum!// and Millicent and Draco both jumped sharply, screaming aloud, and knocking over their cauldron, spilling potion all down the front of Snape's robes. The classroom erupted in riotous laughter.

The only thing that could make Snape turn on his precious Slytherins was a loss of face. Now he was covered in goo, and his two students were panting, spent, nearly passed out -- with big dark wet spots on the front of their black robes. "Twenty-five points from Slytherin! Each!" Snape spat. "And detention this evening, to clean up this mess! Class dismissed!" And he turned and strode from the potions chamber.

Harry and Hermione poured off their perfect potion into a flask and corked it; then they gathered their books, grinned at each other, and left. On the way out, Harry tossed the little mushroom back at Malfoy, still lying dazed on the ground; it landed right on his wet spot - and stuck there.

It was probably the best potions lesson ever.


	7. A Matter of Scale

A Matter of Scale  
  


Care of Magical Creatures was about to end, and Harry Potter and Hermione Granger were getting ready to go back up to the castle for lunch. Hagrid stopped the two Gryffindors by muttering, "Er -- Harry -- Hermione -- would yer mind hangin' back a few minutes? I got summat ter talk to yer about."

"Sure, Hagrid," said Hermione; Harry just nodded.

"Come on in the cabin, then," said Hagrid. When they were inside, Hagrid put on the kettle for tea, and said, "Dobby Dobby." 

With a CRACK! Dobby the house-elf materialized suddenly next to Hagrid. He whooped, "Harry Potter, sir!" and zoomed over to Harry, hugging his knees.

"Nice to see you too, Dobby!" said Harry, blushing slightly.

Looking up at Hermione, Dobby said shyly, "Nice to see you again too, Miz Hermy!"

"Thanks, Dobby!" said Hermione.

The four exchanged pleasantries as they enjoyed tea, while Hagrid explained that to page a house-elf, you said his name twice. (Old wizarding families did not want their house-elves to appear every time they said their names; so saying them twice was developed as a special signal to cause them to appear.)

Once they were done with their tea, Hagrid picked up his crossbow and arrows, and said, "Okay, foller me." He opened the door and headed out.

Surprised, Harry asked, "Where are we headed, Hagrid?"

"Into the forest, jus' a short ways," Hagrid replied. We need the help of two sharp kids such as yerselves."

"But Hagrid," Hermione said nervously, running to keep up as she dodged some huge tree roots, "Why do you need us in the forest?"

Dobby, running along madly, piped up, "It's Winky, Miss! Her is in a terrible muddle, and we is not able to get her to listen to reason! We is hoping that Harry Potter and his smartest friend could maybe help, Miss!"

"What kind of muddle?" Harry asked.

"Better off jus' showin' yer," replied Hagrid tersely.  


~ ~ ~ ~ ~  


As the four approached a familiar-looking clearing, Hermione's face began to show a look of shock and dread. "What?" said Harry, confused. Hermione just pointed.

A kind of hill seemed to stir. As they approached, Harry realized that the hill was standing up. It was actually Grawp, Hagrid's younger but full-giant half-brother. Grawp's huge face split into a grin. "Hagger! 'N Hermy!" He laughed in a deep boom.

"Er... Hello, Grawp!" Hermione smiled shakily.

It was then that Harry and Hermione noticed a little squeak coming from around Grawp's left ankle. There was Winky, holding on to the giant's ankle, and yawning as if just waking up.

Dobby immediately took the offensive. "Winky is a bad house-elf!" he said angrily. "Winky is ignoring her duties at the castle! All for hopeless love!"

Harry's jaw dropped, and Hermione's eyes grew as big as saucers. "Oh my God!" Hermione gasped. "I can't believe it!"

"Believe it, Miss!" Dobby muttered grouchily.

Grawp reached down and picked up tiny Winky. He lifted her up and put her on his shoulder. She shimmied over and kissed him on his huge neck. Grawp giggled in such a deep voice it was hard to distinguish from a low roar. Then Winky leaned over and said angrily down to Dobby, "Why is you back here interferin'?"

"We is your friends, Winky, and we is tryin' to save you from hurtin' yourself!"

Hagrid beckoned Harry and Hermione over to him, and bent over to whisper to them, "You kids prob'ly remember a conversation I had with Madame Maxime in yer fourth year, at the Yule Ball -- outside by the reindeer fountain." Hermione shook her head no, but Harry blushed. "Don' worry, I worked out later that you an' Ron was hidin' there, but I wasn' angry. Well anyways, I said somethin' rather stupid to 'er. I asked 'er, 'Which side you got it on?' meanin' her half-giantness, o' course. Well, later I realized tha' was one o' the silliest questions a Care o' Magical Creatures teacher could ask! I'd'a known better, if I wasn' all love-struck and all. I'm a tetch embarrassed abou' it still."

"Why, what's wrong with a question like that?" asked Harry.

Hermione rolled her eyes with exasperation. "Honestly, Harry!" she said impatiently. There can only be one such pairing possible: a male human and a female giantess."

"Ar," Hagrid muttered quietly, "though it gives new meanin' to the sayin' 'Yodeling in the canyon!'"

Hermione blushed, but continued, "Can you imagine what kind of damage a male giant would do to a female human? Let alone the harm caused to a female human carrying a half-giant fetus?"

"Oh." said Harry. "Oh!" he said again, turning white with shock, as realization dawned in his naive mind. When he could speak again, rather than just open and close his mouth soundlessly, Harry looked wide-eyed to Hagrid and Hermione and said, "Then it would be twice as bad, or worse, for a female house-elf --"

"Right in one," Hermione nodded grimly.

Harry staggered, feeling slightly sick. "Oh dear," he said, "I think I need to sit down!"

"Winky," said Hermione patiently, "Don't you realize the danger you're in?"

Winky frowned and said angrily, "You is interfering! Grawp and Winky is in Love!"

With that, Grawp began nodding his head vigorously, and said, "Grawp love Winky!" but the shake of his head was like a small earthquake, and Winky could not hold on. She began to tumble, and fell off the giant's shoulder with a scream.

Harry, thanks to his sharp quidditch reflexes, whipped out his wand, pointed it at Winky as she plummeted, and called out, "Wingardium Leviosa!" Her fall slowed abruptly, and with a little flick of his wand, he settled her gently on the ground.

Winky looked up in wide-eyed shock at Harry. "You is saved Winky's life, Harry Potter!" she said softly. "Winky owes Harry Potter a life-debt!"

Harry blushed, and said, "Now now, Winky, you don't have to feel indebted to me, I'd have helped anyone who -- er -- was falling off a giant's shoulder!" He grinned sheepishly. "But do me a favor, would you? Just -- you know -- think about this for a bit. There's no hurry, and you do have the rest of your life to -- er -- make mistakes!" he said, looking over at Dobby, who seemed unable to take offense as he grinned up at his idol.

"Winky promises Harry Potter to think it over!" she said, reverently. "Come, Dobby, we has beds to make!" And with that she disappeared with a CRACK!

Dobby rushed over to Harry, hugged him again, and said, "Thank you again, Harry Potter!" and grinning, he disappeared too.

"Grawp sleepy," said Grawp, quite obviously not grasping that anything had changed, and lay down on the ground, rapidly falling into very noisy sleep.

"Righ', then, let's head back," whispered Hagrid. As they tiptoed away, he said, "Well! That went -- er -- better than I expected! Thanks, you two!"

Hermione waved, and Harry nodded, wearily. They were just happy to get away from Grawp, once again, in one piece.  
  
~ ~ ~ ~ 

  
  


As the three made their way back to the school grounds, Harry looked off in the distance, frowned, and then began chuckling manically. "What's so funny?" asked Hermione.

"Can't tell you, you'll flip out," said Harry.

"Harry," Hermione replied with irritation, "tell me; I will NOT flip out!"

"Okay. But you have to promise not to hit me on the back of the head."

"Fine. Harry, I promise not to hit you! Now, out with it."

"Okay. What do you call a female house-elf who has made love to a giant?"

"Dunno. What?"

"A condom!"  
  


Hagrid snorted. 

Hermione went "Eeew!" 

And, of course, hit him on the back of the head.  
  


-End-


	8. Forced by the Force! Nearly Slash!

Forced by the Force  
(You want slash? Boy, do we got slash!) ;~}  


  
  


Harry Potter awoke to find himself in a white bed in a white room. He was far more confused than usual: where was he? How did he get here? Was this some kind of trick or trap from Voldemort? And why was he naked?

And ... why was this blond youth, also naked, lying in the same bed?

Just then, the young man awoke, looking startled. "Where am I? And who are you?"

"I'm Harry Potter, and I just woke up here, and I'm as confused as you are! Who are you?"

"My name is Luke Skywalker. I was supposed to be studying the ways of the Force -- but suddenly I seem to be ... here with ... you!"

Both boys seemed to be irresistibly drawn toward each other, and before they knew it, they were hugging and kissing passionately. Harry was the first to pull away.

"Wait a minute!" he exclaimed. I've never done anything like this before! It's like I'm bewitched! What are we doing?"

"I know, me too!" said Luke, wide-eyed.  
  


Just then, there was a flash of light between them, and another nude body materialized in the bed. It had to be an elf, you could tell by the pointed ears. He was stunningly beautiful. "I am Legolas! Who are you?"

"I'm Luke Skywalker, and he's Harry Potter!"

Both boys leaned in and began hugging and kissing Legolas, who first looked delighted, and then puzzled. "But wait! Why is this happening?"  
  


Before the others could answer, there was another flash of light, and a young man (also nude, of course) with black hair appeared in the large bed. "Who are you?" the first three chorused.

"I am Paul Atreides. I am sure there is nothing on Arrakis, the Dune planet, like this room! How did we come to be here?" he said, as the other three were irresistibly drawn to him, hugging and kissing.

"That's what we've been trying to figure out! We've all suddenly appeared here!" said Harry. And I've never been to bed with boys before; it's like someone has put an enchantment upon me!"

Luke said, "Perhaps if I attune myself to the ways of the Force, I can find out what has happened to us." Luke sat up straight, folded his arms and crossed his legs, and closed his eyes. After a minute, he was floating -- naked, of course -- a foot above the bed.

After another minute, his eyes flickered open suddenly, and just as suddenly he dropped back down on the bed, just missing Harry's foot. Luke's eyes opened widely, and he whispered, "Fanfiction!"  
  


"What's that supposed to mean?" asked Legolas. In spite of himself, he was running his hand up and down Paul's leg.

"What it means," said Harry, cottoning on, "is that we are all the victims of the torrid and horny machinations of an amateur "slash fanfiction" writer! We have had our magical natures stolen and artificially blended, and we are being manipulated into reacting sexually! I mean, I don't even act this way with people I know!"

The others all nodded, and reluctantly drew their hands away from each other.

"Yes, but who's doing this to us?" asked Legolas.

"I think I know a way to find out," said Harry with a small smile. He closed his eyes, and focused his magic. Then he said, "Legilimens!" and a blue light emanated from his face and penetrated the white walls, ceiling and floor of the room.

Harry opened his eyes just a tiny crack. "Our tormentor is a teenage girl," he murmured. Her name is -- Stephanie Anderson, but she writes under the name ... Hermione Ginny Lupin Black! She is ... nearly 15, and lives in ... Indianapolis, Indiana! Oh, and get this ... she was going to write us into multiple chain-buggering! Only ... she has no experience sexually herself ... and she was ... gonna have us hopping on and off each other all night ... with no resolution ... because she doesn't realize that men come!"

Harry and Luke started chuckling loudly, while Legolas put his face in his hands and groaned, and Paul looked down frowning. Paul said, "Such power in the hands of such ignorance!" The others nodded fervently. "A lesson must be taught. My brothers, I ask that all of us join hands." The four young men linked their hands together. A surge of golden light began swirling around their heads, and soon filled the room.  


  


~*~*~*~*~*~

  
  


In a house in Indiana, a teenage girl heard a loud POP! She ran back from the bathroom to the den, only to see the family computer smoking. She muttered, "Oh shit..."

A man's voice came from the hallway. "Stephanie? The TV just went crazy, and then I smelled something terrible like burnt wires! Any idea what's going on?"

"No, Dad! I was in the bathroom!"

Stephanie's dad stepped into the den and saw the computer smoking! He rushed over and pulled the plug from the wall, but it was too late. The hard drive was fried, the motherboard was melted, all his financial records (unbacked-up) were toast, the monitor showed nothing but red, and Stephanie was so grounded she might not be let out of the house till she turned 20.

Mr. Anderson shouted, "Now go do your homework! And not fantasy books -- Homework!"

"Yes, Daddy," said Stephanie glumly.  
  


- End -


	9. Catalyst for Good Punmanship!

"The Cat Gets Out of the Bag"

Harry had turned in early. He had just closed his bed-curtains and taken off his glasses, when he heard an ungodly screech! He pulled aside the curtains, put his glasses back on, and sat tensely holding his wand, expecting the worst.

Then he heard two caterwauling screeches, coming from out the window. He rushed over, looked down, and nearly fainted. "Oh ... my ... God ..." Snapping out of it, he pulled on his dressing gown, and ran to the door and down the stairs to the Gryffindor common room. Sure enough, Hermione was still up, doing her homework.

"Hermione! Quick! Come with me to the back window!"

Hermione arose with a quizzical look on her face, saying, "What is it, Harry?" Harry just motioned her over. Together, they looked down on the grounds.

There in the bright moonlight, they saw two cats -- fighting, screeching, and -- rubbing up against each other! One was Hermione's ginger cat Crookshanks, and the other, unmistakably, was the animagus form of their Transfiguration teacher, Professor McGonagall! The two cats hissed, wailed and spat, but then they engaged in a screaming act of coupling. Then they broke apart, hissing and scratching at the air.

Harry and Hermione stood there, transfixed. "Old McGonagall!" Harry marveled. I just didn't know she had it in her!"

"Now Harry! No catty remarks!" said Hermione. "After all, she is our head of house!"

"Yeah -- but with Crookshanks?"

"I always told you he was a very special class of cat," Hermione hmphed. "And I forbid you to discuss this with Ron! He'll only start making jokes about drowning the kittens!"

"Oh, don't worry, my lips are sealed," Harry proclaimed, both wide-eyed and with a smirk. "If McGonagall heard the gossip, it'd be -- CATastrophic!"

Hermione groaned. "So, you won't tell anybody?"

"Oh, yeah -- CATegorically!"

Hermione looked angry. "Harry, cut it out!"

"Sorry; just adding this experience to my -- CATalogue!"

"Harry -- just go back to bed!"

"Sorry, didn't mean to start a -- CATaclysm!"

"Harry, I'll shoot you!"

"With a -- CATapult?"

"Look -- before I brain you -- would you please just sail back to dreamland?"

"Sure! On my -- CATamaran?" Harry laughed as he ran out of range of a pitched book.

Hermione began mumbling some foreign-sounding imprecations. From the stairway, Harry said, "Is that Spanish -- or CATalan?" He ran giggling up the stairs and back to his dorm.

  
  


- End - 


	10. Fish Story

Fish Story  
  


Harry was fighting another sleepless night. He had headed off onto the grounds under his invisibility cloak, hoping that a good walk would tire him out. But as he walked past the lake, he heard a loud splash that decidedly did not sound like the giant squid.

Harry hid in the bushes, forgetting that he was in his invisibility cloak; to his amazement, he saw Professor Dumbledore emerging from the water, wearing a bubblehead charm -- followed at a short distance by the Merfolk's chieftaness! The headmaster tapped his wand on the bubble, muttering "Finite Incatatem," and the bubble vanished. Then he turned to the merchieftaness, screeched something horrible-sounding in Mermish, and bent over to kiss her deeply! She then screeched something back, waved goodbye, and disappeared beneath the water.

Harry was stunned. He was doing a good imitation of a fish himself, his mouth opening and closing soundlessly. As professor Dumbledore cast a drying charm on himself, he walked toward Harry -- who ducked down further -- and said, "It's okay, you can come out, Harry."

Harry was taken by surprise; once again, he had forgotten that Dumbledore seemed to be able to see through invisibility cloaks, and knew pretty much everything that happened on the Hogwarts grounds. He pulled off his cloak, stood up and said, "I'm awfully sorry, sir! I wasn't trying to spy or anything; I just couldn't sleep, and took a walk! Honestly!"

"Tut tut, dear boy," said Dumbledore kindly. "Of course you weren't. I'm well aware of your insomnia; I get a touch of it myself, so I quite understand. A lot on your mind, eh?" With that, Dumbledore transfigured two rocks into large cushy armchairs, sat down in one, and said, "Please, my boy, have a seat! Lemon drop?"

Harry was too stunned to refuse; he sat, took a lemon drop, and stared at Dumbledore a bit intensely as he began to suck on the sweet.

"Now, Harry, you're not a little child any more; I'm sure you're not a stranger to the notion of -- erm -- adult friendships. Needless to say, those with other species are perhaps -- rarer; but the merchieftaness and myself are very old, dear friends; indeed, that is how I come by quite so fluent a dialect of Mermish! It seems that -- er -- intimate friendships are often the best way to learn a language!" Dumbledore chuckled softly, as though appreciating a rather obscure joke.

"I -- I understand, Headmaster; by now, nothing in the wizarding world would surprise me for too long, really," Harry smiled nervously. "It's just that -- well, I can't imagine how you could -- you know -- do it! As different as the merpeople are, I mean."

"Ah!" said Dumbledore, delightedly. "The best way to answer you, my boy, is with a story.

"One evening, a man walked into a pub. Beautifully dressed in the finest clothes, a powerful physique, large rings on his fingers -- and a head the size of an orange! He put a hundred-pound note on the counter, and said, 'Bartender, I'll have --'

"But the bartender snarled, and said, 'You'll have nothing, mate, unless you can explain your bizarre appearance!'

"The man pointed at his infinitesimal head, smiled sadly, and said, 'Ah yes, this! Well, if I must, then I shall tell you my story.

"'I was but a humble fisherman. One night, I was casting out my nets, and when I hauled them in, lo and behold, caught in one of them was a real live mermaid! She cried, "Let me go, I pray you, and I shall grant you three wishes!"

"'So I asked her for great wealth. And before my eyes, the deck of my little fishing boat was piled high with gold and jewels! Then I asked her for a strong and powerful physique, and in a flash, I had the magnificent body you see before you.

"'Well, by this point, I had pretty much everything I had dreamed for. But I had been at sea for days, and I had got a bit lonely. So I looked down at the mermaid. She was kind of gross and fishy down below; but up top she was pretty nice! So I said to her: "How about a little head?"'"  
  


Harry digested this for a few seconds; then he fell right off the chair, laughing. Dumbledore twitched his mustache, hiding a grin; and when Harry had finally recovered, he said, "Thank you, Headmaster, for trusting me with that -- joke! I have a much shorter one for you: A termite walks into a bar, and says, 'Is the bar tender in here?'"

Dumbledore chuckled, "Bar-tender! Very good show, what? Well, Harry, I trust your discretion, as a gentleman."

"Oh, of course, sir!" Harry said, as they both rose, and the armchairs turned back to rocks.

As they headed back toward the castle, Dumbledore smiled dreamily, and said, "A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Why the long face?'"

Harry expected there to be more. Then he cocked his head, thought it through, and burst out into a soft splutter, as the two stepped through the great doors.  
  


-End-


	11. The Neighs Have It!

Hagrid's Surprise  
  


Harry was spending his detention helping Hagrid. "Take these ferrets to Nellie-Beak, Harry, on'y don' ferget ter bow first!"

Harry nodded, turning a corner behind Hagrid's hut -- to find a hippogriff!

"Buckbeak?" he asked softly.

"Nah, it's his sister Nellie-Beak!" Hagrid's voice trailed round the corner. "Bow, Harry, don' ferget!"

Harry bowed; the hippogriff bowed back, and Harry brought her the plate of dead ferrets, which she began scarfing down eagerly.

After a few more chores, Harry went back to collect Nellie-Beak's plate. To his astonishment, Firenze the centaur was in the pen with Nellie-Beak, and he was mounting her with closed-eyed intensity! Harry backed away silently, a bit unnerved by the screaming-eagle noises Nellie-Beak was making.

Harry scampered into the cabin, looking a bit white. "Hagrid! It's -- Firenze, with Nellie-Beak!"

Hagrid jumped up suddenly, cursing under his breath, and took his crossbow and arrows down from the back of the door. "Jus' in case o' trouble," he muttered. He stepped outside, with Harry dogging his heels.

"'Lo there, Firenze!" said Hagrid. "I'd sergest you dismount, an' head back up ter the castle!"

"But Hagrid," said Firenze, panting, "You told me that Bane, new Sheriff of the centaurs, has decreed that for want of enough females in the herd, centaurs should take to consorting with hippogriffs; and if I were feeling randy, to find myself one!"

"Aye, true enough!" said Hagrid. "But nobody said yer should dare ter make time with the Sheriff's gal!"

Firenze's eyes grew wide. He dismounted, bowed low, said "G'night, miss!" and ran for the castle. (He'd been living there teaching divination, since banishment by the herd.)

"Hagrid!" Harry asked, a bit ashen. "Do I want to know what the colts would look like?"

"Prob'ly not, Harry," said Hagrid, shaking his head. "An' ter tell yer the truth, I hadn't the heart ter tell Firenze he'd picked an ugly one!"  
  


-End-


	12. Interlocking Triangles

Interlocking Triangles  
  


Harry and Hermione were on their way back from the library toward Gryffindor tower. As they passed an empty classroom, two arms reached out the doorway and pulled Harry in -- and then another two arms pulled Hermione in!

Harry went for his wand -- but before he could even aim it, his eyes focused on a most unexpected pair: Draco Malfoy and Ron Weasley!

"Here now," Harry fumed, "what's this all about?"

Ron gestured to a few chairs, and said, "Please. Sit."

Harry and Hermione sat on two chairs, and Draco and Ron sat on two others facing them; Harry slipped his wand back into his robe.

Ron said, "I'll go first. After quite a bit of independent spying and separate skulduggery, Malfoy here and I have each discovered that both of you have been two-timing both of us."

"WHAT?!" shouted both Hermione and Harry.

"Come now," drawled Draco, "You're both seventh-years, and both considered somewhat intelligent; it shouldn't be that hard to figure out. Hermione, you've been having simultaneous affairs with both Weasley and me; and Harry, you've been doing the same; and you've both tried to keep it all a secret. Weasley and I accidentally discovered each other's investigation, and we decided to bring it all out in the open."

Hermione and Harry both looked at each other with wide eyes and gaping mouths. "I had no idea! Did you?" asked Harry.

Hermione replied, "Not at all! Ever since Cho, I've stayed out of your business and turned a blind eye, Harry; I figured you were doing the same! I certainly didn't think we both -- er -- had the same dubious taste in men!"

"Hey!" Draco and Ron both chorused angrily.

"So -- why did you pull us in here to surprise us with this?" asked Harry.

"It's obvious, isn't it?" said Ron. Draco and I want you both to choose. Neither of you can have both of us; so you each have to pick one."

"What? But that's so unfair!" protested Hermione. "What if we both picked one of you? YOU don't seem to have a problem with having both of US!"

"Well -- that's because Weasley and I are rivals!" said Draco. I don't mind having you both; and I suppose I can get over Weasley having you both if need be, (though of course I would have to plot revenge); or each of us getting one. But I refuse to share with him! So you must choose."

Hermione and Harry looked at each other again, mouths agape and eyes rolling. "I can't believe this!" Hermione tutted, while Harry muttered, "Simply outrageous!"

Then their eyes locked. They seemed to reach an unspoken agreement.

Looking back over at Draco and Ron, Hermione relaxed her face into an innocent smile. "Er -- boys? Do you mind if Harry and I took half an hour to discuss this? We can meet you right back here if you'd like."

"Take an hour if you need it! I brought my portable wizard's chess set," said Ron.

"Right, we'll be back," said Harry, as he and Hermione gathered up their books and left.  
  


~~~~~~~  
  


About an hour later, just as Ron and Draco were finishing up their third game, (2 to Ron and 1 to Draco, surprisingly,) Harry and Hermione stepped back in the classroom. They looked a bit red-faced, their hair a bit disheveled. Ron turned toward them, and went a bit pink, as he began to sniff. "Hey!" he said. "You two smell like sex!"

"Well," said Hermione, "in the interest of pure scientific curiosity, we decided to see what it was about each other that the two of you both found so fascinating."

"Yeah," added Harry, "so we just had a little love-session of our own."

"For a whole hour?" said Draco; he was wide-eyed; so was Ron.

"Mm -- that's how we discovered that you guys are both lousy lays!" said Hermione.

"Yeah," said Harry. "I had always suspected I was bi, but both you guys always seemed so determined to talk me out of it. Furthermore, it seems you're both rather selfish lovers, rather in a rush, and not really very thoughtful of my needs." Hermione nodded. "But Hermione here is sensitive, intelligent, very giving, a lot of fun, and seems to know what I like!"

"Ditto," Hermione grinned. "Harry's the best! So we decided to pick each other."

"WHAT?" Ron and Draco both shouted.

"Sorry, boys," Harry smiled, "but you should not have started something you couldn't finish! Miss Granger, may I have the pleasure of your company back to Gryffindor tower?"

"Gladly, Mr. Potter!" she winked; and taking his arm, they waltzed out of the classroom.

"Bloody hell!" grumbled Ron. "Now what do we do?"

"Don't look at me, Weasley," said Draco coolly, "I don't do freckles."

"Oh, crap. Ah well -- 'nother game of chess?"

"Might as well," groaned Draco. "Seems we both could have been a bit cleverer in our strategy. Sure didn't see that coming."

"Will you kindly stop mentioning coming?" said Ron irritably. "And I get white."  
  


- End - 

  
  


[Thanks to Ted S. for suggestions on 11 & 12.]


	13. Caught!

In the dark, the two lovers stretched and yawned. "Are you okay?"

"I was just thinking about the night we met. I hated you. But somehow, you won my heart. I would almost think you had bewitched me!"

"Ha. I could say the same thing. After all, we are so different - we are from such different worlds - and yet, whenever I am with you, it feels so right."

"But - I can hardly bear to think what might happen if we were found out. Our worlds could come crashing down around our heads. The people who depend on us most would be so scandalized!"

"Try not to dwell on that; no-one else has shown us the love we have shown to each other; and if we haven't the right to grasp a little happiness, who has? Besides, as long as we are careful, no-one need ever know."

"I know; and I could never give up our time together! It's the only time I feel truly free, truly loved. If only I didn't have to keep up all the pretense! If only the world understood that what we have is good."

"Perhaps in another hundred years; perhaps in a thousand. Anyway, who cares what the world thinks? Just for tonight, I only care what you think - and how it feels to have you lying here in my arms."

  
  


Just then, there was the sound of a crash, and the twisted noise of a doorframe being shattered. Before the lovers could react, there was a sudden glare of light in their eyes.

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"Vernon! How could you! And with Albus, of all people!"

"Wait, Cornelius! I can explain!"

  
  


~Fin~

  
  
  
  


~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`

  
  


[This one squicked me the most to write! I have no opinion pro or con any particular sexual orientations or preferences; just the personalities involved give me the shudders! g And yet the shock of the idea also sent me into a peal of evil giggles. So I guess this does qualify under the standards: most bizarre pairings.

Who did you think it was? Was the melodrama sufficiently gooey and generically awful to catch you off guard? Dare I try to top this? ;o}

Hope those of you with strong stomachs enjoyed! And the rest of you - Butch Up! - D]


	14. Singing!

_Singing_

Harry, Ron and Hermione trudged the last few tiring stairs up to Gryffindor Tower. It had been such an odd, poignant Welcoming Feast without Dumbledore there to greet them for the first (or last) time. They hadn't even meant to come back to Hogwarts; but JKR had promised Harry that her series would be about his "Seven Years at Hogwarts," so they had to come back. (Despite what some people believed.)

They made their way to the portrait hole, expecting to see the Fat Lady. But – to their shock and surprise – there was a portrait of Dumbledore, covering the entrance!

"Password?" the old wizard winked, his eyes twinkling.

Harry was too stunned to speak, so Hermione nervously piped up, "It ... it ain't over till the Fat Lady sings?"

Dumbledore said, excitedly, "Aha!" and turned and ran away from them into the distance in his picture, getting smaller and smaller. There was a hut on the hill in the distance, and the old Headmaster ran up to it, opened the door, entered and slammed it shut.

The trio looked at one another, puzzled. The rest of Gryffindor House was starting to back up behind them, grumbling.

Suddenly, a female voice came from a distance in the painting, seeming to emanate from the hut. It sang, "Ah, Sweet mystery of life, at last I've found you..." And the portrait door opened with a click.

"That randy old bugger!" muttered Ron.

"This'll slow down midmorning breaks considerably," commented Harry, as he entered the common room.


	15. Someday My Prince Will Come

**Someday My Prince Will Come**

Neville Longbottom was miserable. He had earned his second detention with the horrible, toad-faced "defense teacher," Dolores Umbridge. Now he was knocking on her office door, dreading the next three hours.

"Come in," a sickly-sweet voice called out from behind the door. "Ah, Mr. Longbottom!" the woman simpered. "Have a seat; you will be … writing lines! Write: 'I must not defy my betters' – until it sinks in, I think!" she ended with a girlish giggle, as though the very idea was delightful.

Neville sat down slowly, trying to put off the inevitable misery of doing lines with a blood quill. He picked up the nasty instrument of torture and lowered his head to the page, just as Umbridge lowered her own to the papers she was grading.

Just then, a low, croaking noise erupted from Neville's robe pocket. "What did you say?" Dolores looked up with narrowed eyes.

"Nothing!" said Neville. "Er … I have a slight cough." He bent over the parchment again, now sweating.

Trevor the toad chose that moment to peek his head out of Neville's pocket. Before him sat the largest toad he had ever seen! It was love at first sight. After a brief struggle, he made his way out of the pocket, onto Neville's lap, and then bounded up onto the desk.

"Trevor, no!" Neville hissed furiously. But Trevor wasn't listening. With two hops, he had crossed the desk and landed on top of the papers Umbridge was grading. Neville nearly fainted in horror.

Through pursed lips, Umbridge glared at the toad and demanded, "What is the meaning of this?" But Trevor was not to be denied; her wide-eyed glare and shrill voice only thrilled him more. He hopped onto her shoulder, and as she turned her face to him in surprise, yelling "Aaah!", he leaned in and kissed the woman full on the mouth.

Suddenly there was a brilliant flash of light. To Neville's astonishment, there were now two toads sitting on the desk! One croaked, and the other replied with its own low, long croak. This continued for a couple of minutes, and finally they both stood side by side, staring at Neville.

Understanding Trevor's wish through their familiar bond, Neville scooped both toads up and put them in his pocket. Quietly he left the office, closed the door behind him, walked down to the entrance hall, and from there out to the lake. He reached in his pocket and placed both toads onto the lakeshore, from whence they both hopped into the water.

"Make lots of lovely little tadpoles, Trevor!" Neville whispered, and with a great grin he returned to the castle for dinner.


	16. Three Shocks

Harry and Dudley were both lying on the ground, as the dementors hovered above them. "I think this might be … Goodbye, Dudley!" Harry gasped.

"Shut up and make it stop!" Dudley gasped back.

Harry reached for his wand. "Expecto … Ex...pec...to–"

Suddenly, Harry felt a different oppressive presence. The dementors that had been leaning over them now straightened up and seemed to back up a little. Harry's vision cleared enough to see, walking toward them – "A-Aunt P-Petunia?"

Petunia had a sultry grin on her face. "Ooh," she gushed, completely ignoring the boys, "I do so like a tall, thin, powerful figure! Which of you two would like to come home with me for a quickie, before my husband gets off work?"

The dementors backed up, stiffly. "How about you?" said Petunia. The first one shook its head, flapping its hood. "You, then!" the second did the same, even more frantically.

Losing patience, Petunia stepped forward, trying to grab them. The dementors, losing their courage, ran screaming down the street, squealing, "Aaaaaaaa!" and disappeared.

Petunia stood there, looking irritated and frustrated.

It seems that Petunia Dursley was too much worse of a soul-sucking demon, even for a dementor to stand.

\oOo/

Meadow Flutterby was a 5th-year Ravenclaw, who had the ill-fortune to share a dorm with Luna Lovegood. She spent as much time as possible in the common room or the library, because she found interacting with Luna confusing and frustrating. It wasn't just her many strange invisible "creatures" that bothered her; it was Luna's "out-of-phase reality" and bizarre comments that gave her headaches.

The night before Christmas break was to begin, Meadow decided to return to their dorm room early to pack. She opened the door, only to see Luna, lying naked on her bed; and lying next to her, a young man with pointed ears and chin, just as naked, fast asleep.

"Oh, hello, Meadow!" Luna smiled dreamily. That was enough to wake the young man, who opened one eye sleepily. Seeing the other girl, he woke more fully – and his private parts crumpled up, folded up, and tucked themselves away inside him, on their own power.

"This is my friend, Ren!" said Luna. "He's a crumple-horned snorkack."

"Luna – I thought they were imaginary!" said a wide-eyed Meadow.

"Me – imaginary?" said Ren. "Snork – Kack-kack-kack-kack!" he laughed.

\oOo/

Aberforth Dumbledore was bone tired. It had been a particularly hard night at his pub, the Hog's Head. He'd had to break up three fights, and toss out two falling-down drunks. At the end of the evening, a hostile drunk started taunting Aberforth with the old charges against him: that he had practiced inappropriate charms on goats. Rather than rise to the bait, Aberforth just tossed him out too; but the miserable cuss broke a window and ran off, leaving Aberforth to board up, muttering angrily.

After shutting up the pub and climbing upstairs to his home, Aberforth called out wearily, "I'm home, Nanny!"

A voice from the kitchen called back angrily, "What in the devil kept you so late?"

"I had a rough night," replied Aberforth, walking into the kitchen.

By the sink stood a goat on her hind legs, wearing an apron; crossly she said, "And what about me? I work and I slave, and what thanks do I get?"

fin


End file.
